Who am I? Artist vs. Computer Scientist

 

Artist vs. Scientist

Exploration

There comes a time in your life where you ask yourself if you are going in the right direction, whether it is for personal reasons or for career reasons. Today I take a moment to pause and reflect on this question.

When I was younger I used to go to the library and read books about scientific fields such as Paleontology, Physics and Medicine, which I quite enjoyed. Flipping through pages, scrolling leisurely and interestedly through paragraphs and ideas as the pages communicated their ideas to me and taught me new concepts. There were other topics I dove in such as History, Sociology, and the arts. I scoured the library looking for new adventures.

As for the artist in me, I have always known since young age that I had a knack for drawing - it just came naturally to me - as I drew beautiful drawings and I had people around me asking me about them and my techniques and perspectives. I grew interested for other arts later such as writing and photography, which I am currently exploring and which I am quite drawn to. Do you not get tired? Does repetition and compulsory routine take the joy out of a hobby? It did for me at least, when I had to do it all week in high school.

Computers and the market

Time went on and I found myself shifting interest from the artistic world to the scientific computer world, fascinated by technology and its advances. I was told I was good with computers and so I pursued further studies in it. And so, ever since college I have been on the Computer Science track. Graduation, jobs... and now I find myself having a hard time in the field as I lost the passion to keep updating myself like a machine like the current market demands.

Here is the problem: the rebellious artist inside me does not want to concede to the A.I. hype that is being demanded out of me. Hiring managers keep expecting candidates to have projects on the side and to keep pushing out projects in their free time, which I find not worth it as well as it being unfair and selfish. I want to enjoy my life and to do the things that I love in my free time - I do not want to hand over even more of my personal time for this hype, for these empty expectations. What should I do? Should I keep creating projects to prove to managers that I am worth something as a Computer Scientist? Since when is a Bachelor's degree not enough effort and proof? The market is getting more and more exigent as time goes on.

The artist needs to breathe

Another conflict comes to me - the one of emotional compatibility. After years in the field I extracted the perspective that my colleagues have never been in the same emotional league (or at all) as I am. I have always experienced distant, cold behavior, an intended departure from emotions for some reason.

Which way from here

This makes me ask myself the crucial question: am I really in the right field...? Should I try.. another field.. say.. photography, or writing? Perhaps I should... I just know that as some of us artists in this situation, I am feeling increasingly more miserable as my emotional profile is not being fed. I am an ambivert... and I am having trouble with closed doors.

It is so confusing. I know I am not just a one-dimensional being who is defined by strict tastes. I just know that I feel more and more depressed every year with every disappointing experience. I am doing my best like all of us. And I will keep exploring.

Sincerely,

Existentior